When It All Comes Crashing Down

It has been a while since I have been able to write a new post. For a long while, the stresses, emotions, issues, and daily occurrences that I experience in my life have been relentlessly building up, and it has been a constant struggle to find a way to 1) handle what could be dealt with, 2) to keep that which couldn’t be dealt with at bay, and 3) maintain a level of sanity that allows me to function in this environment without slipping back into old behavioral patterns.

This is a very difficult task in that my challenges, old and new, never let up; therefore neither can I. Despite my enormous reserve of inner strength and defensive barriers, it was only a matter of time before the circumstances of my life became overwhelming. The question that arose in my mind was: Would it result in disaster as it had in the past, or would I not panic this time, and instead use what I have learned to limit the damage?

It all came crashing down after my parole hearing seven weeks ago; which, by the way, did not go very well, though I have no decision as of yet. At first, after the hearing, the initial feeling was one of relief—the initial part of my sentence was almost over, I did my part, did all that was required of me, and now any more time spent in this particular world is no longer my responsibility. My debt is paid, freely given. Any more time I lose from my life is only that which is taken by others.

Of course, as is always the case, when one burden is lifted, the overall balance is lost and temporary chaos ensues as new burdens and responsibilities that were balanced atop the one now missing all try to fill the void it leaves behind. Focus and concentration are needed to maintain a semblance of control, so you don’t get crushed by the enormously overwhelming weight and movement of them all.

I have learned that the easiest way to accomplish the concentration needed to regain the order is to eliminate everything in my life that is not necessary for my own survival. While dealing with this situation I fall into myself, becoming completely oblivious to anything not related to the struggle, or my ability to function in daily life. My closest friends, I think, understand this enough that they do not take it as a personal affront when they do not hear from me for an extended period of time without an explanation.

Extra-curricular activities such as yard, playing the guitar, and writing cease; hence the reason I have not written a new post until now. My daily activities become limited to those I can do robotically, without thought or strain. In essence, I withdraw and mentally cut myself out of the world.

The reason for this is quite simple: It eliminates additional, unnecessary stressors, leaving me completely free to reorganize my priorities, restructure my defenses, and regain my inner strength. At times, I need a break from even that, and the only way I have found to take that break is to escape from my world by diving into a different one—I read. I find a completely fantastical world and immerse myself in its story.

When I return to this world, I find myself a bit refreshed, and ready to battle the depression and chaos bred by my life until I’ve recovered enough to begin the cycle once again, hopefully continuing to make better and better decisions in how I deal with it.

This is a far cry from letting the chaos control me until I lose my mind and turn to drugs, violence, and impulsive decisions. I know my new way of dealing with being overwhelmed causes--and will continue to cause--its own unique set of problems, annoy and alienate other people, and cause interruptions in the continuity of life outside prison; however, if I were to continue letting the chaos control my life and drive me to the brink of insanity, there would be no life worth living.

When it all comes crashing down, what matters most is that there is something left to recover in the aftermath.

This may be the most important lesson I have learned in my time here and is definitely the one that has saved my life.