NOTICE
From: A Good Samaritan
To: All Friends, Relatives, and Those Otherwise Associated With (Insert Name Here)
Date:______________
In the very near future, (Insert Name Here) shall be released from prison. He will be thrust once again into society to take his place as a human being bearing the God-given rights to life, liberty, and the somewhat delayed pursuit of happiness. Please be aware that this will be a drastic change for him, one for which he is none-too-well prepared to cope. You must be prepared to make certain allowances while welcoming him back into respectable society, as the environment in which he has been immersed for the past _____ years _____ months is very crude, almost prehistoric; and the culture he is accustomed to is unlike anything you have known.
He is going to be demoralized, bitter, and paranoid. He may also be showing symptoms of being in the advanced stages of de-evolution. Do not worry, they will disappear over time.
Therefore, show no alarm if he chooses to squat on the floor rather than sit in a chair, refuses to give ground in congested foot traffic, does his laundry by hand while taking a shower, or tries to offer a pack of cigarettes as payment for goods. Do not be shocked or offended if he responds to all of your questions with, “How the f*** should I know?” or “F*** off.” Be tolerant if he shows undue interest in young boys with long hair, refuses to leave home without first melting a razor blade into his toothbrush, or refuses to leave a building without first being pat-searched. Do not be alarmed if you notice him stashing small, seemingly useless materials on his body or in his room.
Avoid any of the following, as they may elicit a violent reaction: walking too closely behind him or standing too near, prolonged eye contact or watching his actions, offering him anything sweet or smoke-able without expecting anything in return, unsolicited physical contact, reaching over his food while seated at the dinner table, and anything that may be mistaken as an insult or test of his manhood.
Do not correct him if he chooses to cut his meant with a spoon rather than a knife; eats by placing his head less than six inches off his plate, encircling it with his arms; constantly monitors the activity taking place in the room, or places any leftover portions in his pockets. Do not be surprised if he goes to his room whenever a bell rings; simply pretend to count him, wait 20 minutes, yell “Count has cleared!” and open his door. Do not be concerned if he wanders around the back yard looking for the iron pile or spends hours lapping the back yard with his head down and his hands in his pockets, even in the worst of weather.
For the first few months, don’t be alarmed if he swipes the toilet paper, hoards the sugar, or stashes spoons under his bed. Pretend not to notice if chunks of wood or metal are missing from your furniture; these have been fashioned into weapons and stashed around the common areas of the house and you will find them while cleaning.
His first reaction on meeting an attractive woman will be to stare. Wives and sweethearts are advised to take advantage of this momentary shock to leave the area. Upon meeting any other new person, he will automatically be paranoid about the person’s motives, and begin to test him or her in various ways. It is best to advise any person to remain calm and submissive, but not overly meek.
Keep in mind that beneath this prison-hardened exterior beats a heart of gold. Treasure this, and feed it, for it is the only thing of value he has left. Treat him with love, kindness, and an occasional drink, and you will be able to re-fill this shell of a man.
If for any reason you have betrayed, hurt, snitched on, or in any way “f***** over” the above named man, please do one of the following:
1) Leave town immediately
2) Attempt to appease him by offering him a large sum of money
3) Practice yoga until you are able to touch your lips to your ass
From: A Good Samaritan
To: All Friends, Relatives, and Those Otherwise Associated With (Insert Name Here)
Date:______________
In the very near future, (Insert Name Here) shall be released from prison. He will be thrust once again into society to take his place as a human being bearing the God-given rights to life, liberty, and the somewhat delayed pursuit of happiness. Please be aware that this will be a drastic change for him, one for which he is none-too-well prepared to cope. You must be prepared to make certain allowances while welcoming him back into respectable society, as the environment in which he has been immersed for the past _____ years _____ months is very crude, almost prehistoric; and the culture he is accustomed to is unlike anything you have known.
He is going to be demoralized, bitter, and paranoid. He may also be showing symptoms of being in the advanced stages of de-evolution. Do not worry, they will disappear over time.
Therefore, show no alarm if he chooses to squat on the floor rather than sit in a chair, refuses to give ground in congested foot traffic, does his laundry by hand while taking a shower, or tries to offer a pack of cigarettes as payment for goods. Do not be shocked or offended if he responds to all of your questions with, “How the f*** should I know?” or “F*** off.” Be tolerant if he shows undue interest in young boys with long hair, refuses to leave home without first melting a razor blade into his toothbrush, or refuses to leave a building without first being pat-searched. Do not be alarmed if you notice him stashing small, seemingly useless materials on his body or in his room.
Avoid any of the following, as they may elicit a violent reaction: walking too closely behind him or standing too near, prolonged eye contact or watching his actions, offering him anything sweet or smoke-able without expecting anything in return, unsolicited physical contact, reaching over his food while seated at the dinner table, and anything that may be mistaken as an insult or test of his manhood.
Do not correct him if he chooses to cut his meant with a spoon rather than a knife; eats by placing his head less than six inches off his plate, encircling it with his arms; constantly monitors the activity taking place in the room, or places any leftover portions in his pockets. Do not be surprised if he goes to his room whenever a bell rings; simply pretend to count him, wait 20 minutes, yell “Count has cleared!” and open his door. Do not be concerned if he wanders around the back yard looking for the iron pile or spends hours lapping the back yard with his head down and his hands in his pockets, even in the worst of weather.
For the first few months, don’t be alarmed if he swipes the toilet paper, hoards the sugar, or stashes spoons under his bed. Pretend not to notice if chunks of wood or metal are missing from your furniture; these have been fashioned into weapons and stashed around the common areas of the house and you will find them while cleaning.
His first reaction on meeting an attractive woman will be to stare. Wives and sweethearts are advised to take advantage of this momentary shock to leave the area. Upon meeting any other new person, he will automatically be paranoid about the person’s motives, and begin to test him or her in various ways. It is best to advise any person to remain calm and submissive, but not overly meek.
Keep in mind that beneath this prison-hardened exterior beats a heart of gold. Treasure this, and feed it, for it is the only thing of value he has left. Treat him with love, kindness, and an occasional drink, and you will be able to re-fill this shell of a man.
If for any reason you have betrayed, hurt, snitched on, or in any way “f***** over” the above named man, please do one of the following:
1) Leave town immediately
2) Attempt to appease him by offering him a large sum of money
3) Practice yoga until you are able to touch your lips to your ass
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