The Power of Choice

With my potential release from prison looming on the horizon, I am struggling to prepare myself to face the many challenges such a transition will undoubtedly present. One of those challenges has been foremost in my thoughts recently and has elicited a fear response from my psyche because it is something that I am unable to prepare for. Overcoming this challenge is probably the most detrimental part of my success in the transition from prison to life.
For my entire thirty years my life has been dictated by others and lived within the bounds of a tight structure. The few instances that I have deviated from the structure in my life and made my own choices didn’t turn out so well. I am accustomed to being told what I can and cannot do, what to wear, what to eat, and how to spend my time.
We all experience limited control over our lives as children. Our parents dress us. Our parents feed us. Our parents tell us when it’s time to go to sleep. From the age of five until we graduate, we go to school, which has its own set of rules, its own dictates and runs on a tight schedule. There is surprisingly little freedom of choice as a child, and in that respect, prison life is similar to life as a child.
I went directly from childhood, albeit a troubled one resembling more a life of abusive servitude than that of a child, to prison. I have spent nearly half my life in prison where I have absolutely no real freedom of choice. I do as I’m told, eat as I’m told, wear what I’m told, and even wake when I am told.
My entire day is rigidly structured around four head counts and three meals. The time in between them is spent working as I’m told, where I’m told, and when I’m told; in recreation which is limited by certain guidelines; or in educational or rehabilitative programming. I have been doing the exact same things, in the exact same way, at the exact same times, for years on end. My life can be lived mechanically.
There is a certain comfort to be found in all of this. When decisions about how to live your life are not yours to make, the responsibilities tied to them are also out of your hands. Worry and stress all but disappear. I know exactly what the next day, or week, or month is going to bring. This is how my life is different from yours.
I’m not naïve enough to believe that people get to dictate their own lives. I know that life dictates itself but that as it plays out, circumstances present themselves that require choices to be made, and that people are free to make choices that determine the outcome of the circumstances.
What triggers my fear is how foreign that concept is for me. My choices have been limited by both the rigid structure of my life and limited to those not already made for me. The only important choice I have had to make in my life is the one that led me to prison.
What is going to happen when I am free to make the choices that determine the path my life takes? What is going to happen when I find that I enjoy something, but that something is counterproductive to the goals I have set for myself? What is going to happen if the road I’ve taken begins to get a bit rough and I have the option to continue on or take the easy way out? What am I going to do when I don’t know what tomorrow will bring?
The truth is I don’t know. I can’t even imagine it. Of course I know already what the right choices are for almost every decision I will ever face in life, but I don’t know if I will be able or willing to make the right decisions. There is no way to prepare for that.
Hopefully, I will find it to be easier than I think it will be and I’m making much ado about nothing. If not, I hope my fears about failure push me always in the right direction.

Preparing for a Life I Have Never Known

I have now begun my final year and the end is in sight though it seems as if it is as accessible as Saturn viewed through a telescope. Unlike the passing of any other type of anniversary, the passing of this one certainly does make me feel different. Since I awoke on January 23rd, I feel a growing sense of anticipation, anxiety, and urgency with each passing day.
There is so much I have to do in preparation for the parole-related interviews and for my release. I must plan as if I will be paroled, no matter how unlikely the probability of my actual release.
Preparing for the interviews I the easy part for me, I have to be ready with an answer for any questions they may ask and I must be confident when giving the answers. That much comes to me naturally; it is the other stuff the interviewers want to see that is a bit difficult.
I need to show everyone that I have a short-term plan for my transition back into society. I want to have it written out in a professional manner for the purpose of appearance. The problem is that I have never lived life as an adult outside of prison so I am trying to plan for something in which I have no experience.
My confidence dies here. I don’t know how to live a normal life.
I also want to have a long-term plan to present to the Parole Board, detailing where I want to be in life five, ten, and twenty years after my release. This is much easier than the short-term plan. Of course, my long-term plan will be an honest representation of my goals, but even I know that the dynamics of life make long-term planning more fluid than short-term planning. My goals will change, at least a little but, to fit the circumstances that life presents.
The Parole Board requires that I submit a home plan, a definite address to which I will be released. My options are very limited here. Due to difficulties in the relationship that I have with my immediate family, the only options I have are a cousin and his mother. If they can’t or won’t let me use them for my home plan, I must find a halfway house or other transitional housing that will accept me.
The Parole Board also requires that I provide a written version of the offenses I am convicted of, but it is not that straightforward. They are looking for signs that you are trying to justify your actions, signs of remorse, and signs of rehabilitation. A copy of the police report doesn’t cut it, nor does a casual, nonchalant explanation of events. I am not looking forward to having to re-live the emotions I felt that day of my crime as I detail it in writing.
Finally there are a lot of things I must do for my own personal preparation. I must study the driver’s manual so that I can get my driver’s license as soon as possible after my release. I must review everything that I have learned about personal financial planning so that I do not end up in a dire position because I did not manage my finances properly. I must research technical schools, colleges, and financial aid options so that I can continue the education I need to make my career goals achievable. I must get a handle on the real cost of living in the area to which I will be released so that I am not blindsided by it. These things and others related to living outside of prison may seem small but they are important.
My plate is full. In the back of my mind there is a fear that I may not be able to handle all of it. There is also a fear that I may sabotage it out of my anxiety over the coming transition. The best way I can describe what I will be facing is to compare it to a phenomenon in the animal kingdom; I am being born into the world and abandoned to learn how to survive on my own.
Wish me luck.