To Whom It May Concern - A Guide For Dealing With The Newly Released

NOTICE

From: A Good Samaritan
To: All Friends, Relatives, and Those Otherwise Associated With (Insert Name Here)

Date:______________

In the very near future, (Insert Name Here) shall be released from prison. He will be thrust once again into society to take his place as a human being bearing the God-given rights to life, liberty, and the somewhat delayed pursuit of happiness. Please be aware that this will be a drastic change for him, one for which he is none-too-well prepared to cope. You must be prepared to make certain allowances while welcoming him back into respectable society, as the environment in which he has been immersed for the past _____ years _____ months is very crude, almost prehistoric; and the culture he is accustomed to is unlike anything you have known.

He is going to be demoralized, bitter, and paranoid. He may also be showing symptoms of being in the advanced stages of de-evolution. Do not worry, they will disappear over time.

Therefore, show no alarm if he chooses to squat on the floor rather than sit in a chair, refuses to give ground in congested foot traffic, does his laundry by hand while taking a shower, or tries to offer a pack of cigarettes as payment for goods. Do not be shocked or offended if he responds to all of your questions with, “How the f*** should I know?” or “F*** off.” Be tolerant if he shows undue interest in young boys with long hair, refuses to leave home without first melting a razor blade into his toothbrush, or refuses to leave a building without first being pat-searched. Do not be alarmed if you notice him stashing small, seemingly useless materials on his body or in his room.

Avoid any of the following, as they may elicit a violent reaction: walking too closely behind him or standing too near, prolonged eye contact or watching his actions, offering him anything sweet or smoke-able without expecting anything in return, unsolicited physical contact, reaching over his food while seated at the dinner table, and anything that may be mistaken as an insult or test of his manhood.

Do not correct him if he chooses to cut his meant with a spoon rather than a knife; eats by placing his head less than six inches off his plate, encircling it with his arms; constantly monitors the activity taking place in the room, or places any leftover portions in his pockets. Do not be surprised if he goes to his room whenever a bell rings; simply pretend to count him, wait 20 minutes, yell “Count has cleared!” and open his door. Do not be concerned if he wanders around the back yard looking for the iron pile or spends hours lapping the back yard with his head down and his hands in his pockets, even in the worst of weather.

For the first few months, don’t be alarmed if he swipes the toilet paper, hoards the sugar, or stashes spoons under his bed. Pretend not to notice if chunks of wood or metal are missing from your furniture; these have been fashioned into weapons and stashed around the common areas of the house and you will find them while cleaning.

His first reaction on meeting an attractive woman will be to stare. Wives and sweethearts are advised to take advantage of this momentary shock to leave the area. Upon meeting any other new person, he will automatically be paranoid about the person’s motives, and begin to test him or her in various ways. It is best to advise any person to remain calm and submissive, but not overly meek.

Keep in mind that beneath this prison-hardened exterior beats a heart of gold. Treasure this, and feed it, for it is the only thing of value he has left. Treat him with love, kindness, and an occasional drink, and you will be able to re-fill this shell of a man.

If for any reason you have betrayed, hurt, snitched on, or in any way “f***** over” the above named man, please do one of the following:

1) Leave town immediately
2) Attempt to appease him by offering him a large sum of money
3) Practice yoga until you are able to touch your lips to your ass

Preparing for a Life I Have Never Known

I have now begun my final year and the end is in sight though it seems as if it is as accessible as Saturn viewed through a telescope. Unlike the passing of any other type of anniversary, the passing of this one certainly does make me feel different. Since I awoke on January 23rd, I feel a growing sense of anticipation, anxiety, and urgency with each passing day.
There is so much I have to do in preparation for the parole-related interviews and for my release. I must plan as if I will be paroled, no matter how unlikely the probability of my actual release.
Preparing for the interviews I the easy part for me, I have to be ready with an answer for any questions they may ask and I must be confident when giving the answers. That much comes to me naturally; it is the other stuff the interviewers want to see that is a bit difficult.
I need to show everyone that I have a short-term plan for my transition back into society. I want to have it written out in a professional manner for the purpose of appearance. The problem is that I have never lived life as an adult outside of prison so I am trying to plan for something in which I have no experience.
My confidence dies here. I don’t know how to live a normal life.
I also want to have a long-term plan to present to the Parole Board, detailing where I want to be in life five, ten, and twenty years after my release. This is much easier than the short-term plan. Of course, my long-term plan will be an honest representation of my goals, but even I know that the dynamics of life make long-term planning more fluid than short-term planning. My goals will change, at least a little but, to fit the circumstances that life presents.
The Parole Board requires that I submit a home plan, a definite address to which I will be released. My options are very limited here. Due to difficulties in the relationship that I have with my immediate family, the only options I have are a cousin and his mother. If they can’t or won’t let me use them for my home plan, I must find a halfway house or other transitional housing that will accept me.
The Parole Board also requires that I provide a written version of the offenses I am convicted of, but it is not that straightforward. They are looking for signs that you are trying to justify your actions, signs of remorse, and signs of rehabilitation. A copy of the police report doesn’t cut it, nor does a casual, nonchalant explanation of events. I am not looking forward to having to re-live the emotions I felt that day of my crime as I detail it in writing.
Finally there are a lot of things I must do for my own personal preparation. I must study the driver’s manual so that I can get my driver’s license as soon as possible after my release. I must review everything that I have learned about personal financial planning so that I do not end up in a dire position because I did not manage my finances properly. I must research technical schools, colleges, and financial aid options so that I can continue the education I need to make my career goals achievable. I must get a handle on the real cost of living in the area to which I will be released so that I am not blindsided by it. These things and others related to living outside of prison may seem small but they are important.
My plate is full. In the back of my mind there is a fear that I may not be able to handle all of it. There is also a fear that I may sabotage it out of my anxiety over the coming transition. The best way I can describe what I will be facing is to compare it to a phenomenon in the animal kingdom; I am being born into the world and abandoned to learn how to survive on my own.
Wish me luck.